When my wings are tired and worn, and I am exhausted from flight- from fighting against the winds and the difficulties of life; You call to me.. You welcome me back home, to the place where I belong- into your arms, open and waiting for me. Though my journeys often cause me to stumble, trip, fail and fall- You replenish me, revive me and refresh me every time I seek You out. You fulfil my hunger, and quench my thirst- You mend my wings, and coat me with Your grace. I rest in You and I am restored. You prepare me every evening and every morning- and send me out into the world with Your blessing, surrounded by Your love. I am filled to overflowing, and fly in the strength of Your provision. How blessed I am that you tend to my emptiness, my brokenness and my shame. You tend to my weak and mild body- and remind me every morning, that Your mercies are new, and I am precious in Your sights. Thank You Lord, that You are forever holding me near.
Arena - W.L.A.K.
When I’m really tired of life I listen to this thing.
Today was…a lot. Let’s just say I’m looking forward to tomorrow. Too much to describe in one post. Still going through this “healing” process. And still learning how to truly trust in God.
“In returning and rest you shall be saved;
in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.”
In The Morning
It’s very easy to say cliché things when you or someone else is going through something difficult. For me – truth be told – telling me “joy comes in the morning” when I’m at my lowest doesn’t do much for me right now, you know? But it’s actually a fact (as much as I almost never believe it). I won’t recount the many different nights I’ve spent sleeping on the couch in my suite at school going through moments you can’t even call “rough patches”; not very fun to remember. But after every pitfall, my attitude towards life becomes more and more focused on the future and the fact that I will leave here soon.
Life is rough. Honestly. Young people don’t really like to think so, but it really is. You only find out when a serious problem hits you. Whenever I think about those very low moments I’ve had in the past and how I woke up each morning after them, I often imagine all those other people in the world who can’t say that when they wake up, everything will be over. Trafficked girls, especially. It might sound random, but I do think about them.
Having despair/absolutely no hope can probably kill you. And as much as you might want to die in a particular situation in order to be free from it, God really wants you to depend even more on Him, even if you are using your last breath to do so. Humans can only deal with so much but He carries you. Wretched or not, hopeless or not, depressed or carefree. He carries you.
My honest desire is to share that fact with people before they hit that slump they can’t turn back from. It’s easy to think that life will always be great when you’re young or when things are going great, but when it’s midnight and you’re going through something and you can’t call anybody, or you’re alone, or no one really understands, what do you do, you know?
“For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.”
Song for my 4th post.
We must take the opportunity daily to REFOCUS our priorities, intentions and desires. The bible encourages us in Matthew 6:33 to “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you.” Seeking God FIRST must be a priority for the believer. We seek God so He can bring us out of this world’s way of doing things and teach us how to live according to His way of doing things. When we seek God first we learn to FOCUS our understanding on the relationship we have with God our father.
Jeremiah 29:13 assures us that if we seek God with all our heart we will find Him. What an awesome promise to us as His children! When Jesus is our FOCUS, we know that every need we may have has already been met!
Lol God is funny isn’t He. No coincidences here.
It’s been hard to focus lately. I’m still trying to reorient myself to the goals I set for myself this summer, before the funeral. Glad I realized that I wasn’t focused, anyway. It’s easy to get comfortable with distractions.
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.”
I think I have an unnatural tendency to think that my feelings and emotions are always a reflection of reality. And yet I’m the most unstable person ever! Lol. Like, right now, I didn’t want to post this picture because I was feeling lazy and I thought that I had already given up too soon on my project. But on second thought I realized I could be just as excited tomorrow to continue, as I was the first day.
I change too much. My mind, that is. I have the strangest personality, honestly. I can post some “deep” thing online one second and then post a stupid picture right after it…My twitter probably seems to say otherwise but I’m definitely not always thinking about spiritual things haha. I have so many “sides” (they aren’t really sides) that are just mixed into one. I’m pretty sure I’m hard to understand just by looking at me from social media. I’m just interested in way too many things.
On a more serious note…seeing as my mind switches around so much (and my moods shift with it) I don’t know whether I’m really ok – I’m probably not, at least fully – in light of last week’s events, or I’m just ok for today. A part of me knows (and another hopes I’m wrong) that it’s just like our walk with God – you’re never really “OK”. There are far more things you have to learn about, stumble over, repent from, learn again (for the 3rd time, maybe)…and so on. Of course, that’s not how I’d like it. But I can’t say I won’t learn, lol. Each day is different, and each day I need to depend on God…whether I feel like I need to or not. That’s the next thing I have to learn.
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose trust is the Lord.
He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit.”
Steady - Alexis Spight (from BET’s Sunday Best)
Relates to my 2nd post.
Light of the World
Everything looks different each time I come home (echo to Paapa’s post). This is the third vacation that someone I know has - as I like to call it - ‘disappeared’.
I could probably write pages just recounting the different journeys of getting through each of those situations, but I could also talk forever about how God has been changing me and keeping me from stumbling through all of these things. Emo/crif things aside, you would probably marvel at how much I’ve changed if I told you all the details.
This is one of the things that wasn’t here last time I was home. My dad got a local artist to do it; the three figures are representations of Christ on the cross. (The light itself is from Rome.) When I came home you can bet I was startled by it and I knew it was beautiful, but I still feel I haven’t fully realized how beautiful it is in terms of meaning. What I do know is, even though my sister Abena may be gone, it’s a clear reminder of what God has put in that space; something I can hope for, be glad for, and focus on in the meantime. Something that keeps all the darkness away.
“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
It was difficult to see why she had to keep dealing with her diabetes, but a long time ago Jesus Himself explained why:
“As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him. We must work the works of him who sent me while it is day; night is coming, when no one can work.
As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”
And you know what, I just realized that’s what the artwork really means.
“I’m Not Strong”
After much trepidation and fear (lol) I acted on my words. I don’t know who this project is for, me or you, but we’ll see where it takes us.
There isn’t even a clear description of what this project is at all, but you and I both will probably figure it out by the end of this thing (June 30th if it goes to plan). Let me know how it goes: what you think, any tips for my pictures, how you can relate…whatever.
All I hope is my pictures don’t suck (lol). There will also be a lot of writing and music as well, so hopefully you’ll have enough time to go through everything. Keep me updated on what you think, and I hope this blesses you in some way!
P.S. The Walls Group’s album has been blessing me a lot since I came home so they’ll definitely be appearing here; I decided to post one of their songs first :)
The chief trick to making good mistakes is not to hide them — especially not from yourself. Instead of turning away in denial when you make a mistake, you should become a connoisseur of your own mistakes, turning them over in your mind as if they were works of art, which in a way they are. … The trick is to take advantage of the particular details of the mess you’ve made, so that your next attempt will be informed by it and not just another blind stab in the dark.
Great artists understand that the magic is in the giving of themselves and not in the applause.